Tuesday's Ten Minute Tale - the result!

[martinlivings]

Okay, here we go. Thanks to 1phish2phish for "Saskatchewan", catsparx for "rough justice", and chrisbarnes for "guttersnipe". Apologies to mynxii, you missed by THAT much, and also to benpeek for stealing his format. Again.

Warning - contains Gordon Ramsay-esque levels of F-word.



'Pitch Perfect'
(c) Martin Livings 27-5-2008


Okay, so get this...

Are you stealing my fucking format?

Hush. Now, picture it. Saskatchewan, the not too distant future...

Why Saskatchewan?

It's cheap to film in Canada. And, well, the other reason will become clear.

You ARE stealing my fucking format!

Listen, okay?

Fine. Go ahead. Steal my fucking format.

So, Saskatchewan, the near future. Our heroes...

Why the near future?

So we can have some technology that isn't available yet, but still use costumes and props from today. It's...

Don't tell me. Cheaper?

Now you're starting to understand film-making. So, our heroes, Jack and Kate...

Jack and Kate?

Yep.

Like in "Lost"?

...

TV show? Run for four seasons? Hugely popular? JJ Abrams?

Doesn't ring a bell.

Christ, do you actually watch anything at all?

I think that would contaminate my creativity.

Yeah, true. It'd be like stealing someone's fucking format!

You're not getting over that in a hurry, are you?

Just get on with it.

Okay, so, Jack and Kate are hiking in the wilds of Saskatchewan, when they come across a body.

Dead?

You ever heard of a live body?

Is it human?

Of course it's human! Dead animals aren't called "bodies". They're "carcasses".

Okay, so, a dead body of a human being.

That's right. And... get this... it's been partially eaten!

...

EATEN! Isn't that gross? Imagine the special effects, man! Bone showing through flesh, the lips and nose gone, chewed away. Awesome! The chicks will scream!

How original.

They try to get back to report it, but they get caught in a blizzard. And out of the blizzard comes... a sasquatch!

A sasquatch.

Yep.

In Saskatchewan.

Yep.

Wow. That's...

Brilliant? I know!

Not quite the word I'd use...

Original?

Original as this fucking format.

Oh, for...

Get on with it, my lunch break's nearly over.

Well, it turns out the sasquatch didn't kill the person they found dead, but they don't know that, so they spend the first hour of the film running away from the sasquatch.

Sounds thrilling.

Imagine the suspense! Ooh, it nearly catches them! No, they hide under a snowy log, breathing heavily. It leans over, sniffs the air. Kate nearly screams as a spider runs across her foot. But then it leaves. Jesus, I'm getting tense just thinking about it!

I'm feeling some tension too.

Don't tell me. The format?

The fucking format.

Anyway, after an hour so so, they're hiding in a cave, the sasquatch outside, when there's a noise behind them. They look back and see...

Yeah? See what?

The guttersnipe!

...

Yeah, it's a whole other monster, the thing that really killed the guy earlier.

Guttersnipe?

Yeah!

Do you know what a guttersnipe is?

Yeah, it's a mythical creature, like a snark or a bandicoot.

A bandi... you're fucking kidding me, right?

What?

You're taking the piss!

Look, do you want to hear my story or not?

This had better be good.

It is, it is!

Good. Because thus far, and I have to be honest...

Yeah?

It's shit.

Oh, that's harsh!

Sorry. I meant to say... it's as shitty as a shit sandwich made with shit bread and shit spread, that someone's dropped in a septic tank full of shit, then eaten and shit back out again. Twice.

...

Fuck, I've hurt your feelings, haven't I?

...

Go on, finish the story.

Why? It's shit.

Just finish the fucking story, or I'll punch you in the head.

Okay, well, the guttersnipe attacks Jack and Kate, there's a big fight, Jack uses pieces of burning wood to hold the creature off, and then...

The sasquatch saves the day.

How did you guess?

I must be psychic.

Yeah, well, the sasquatch comes and saves Jack and Kate. And it turns out the sasquatch isn't a monster, but a super-intelligent alien, as are all the sasquatches throughout history. And it gives a speech about man's destructive nature, and how we all have to work together to save the planet from global warming.

Global...

Because, without snow, where will the sasquatches go?

I dunno. Back to their own planet?

Yeah, probably. Anyway, the sasquatch leaves, Jack and Kate kiss, and the credits roll. The End.

...

Well? What do you think?

What's it called?

"Rough Justice".

Why?

I dunno. I just thought I should use the title. It'll get the audiences into the cinema.

It sounds like a Steven Seagal film.

Who?

Oh, that does it! I'm taking my fucking format back!

Ow!

I'll show you fucking rough justice...

Comments

[benpeek.livejournal.com]

heh.